Keys to great conversations - because everyone you meet knows something that you don't

 

PREVIEW 

This paper is based on a Ted Talk of Celeste Headlee. She has worked as a radio host for decades and in the talk, she is guiding us through the keys on how to have great conversations. This paper contains the major points she discussed.

INTRODUCTION 

 Conversation is two or more people talking about something. A conversation can be planned or unplanned but usually unplanned; it is spontaneous and happens amongst people who have interests in common.

Conversations are one of the most basic human communications. They can be about any topic and do not necessarily have any fixed purpose. Conversations allow people with different points of view to learn from each other. The conversation always has two parties; one is the listener and the other is the speaker or both.

It is not necessary that a conversation will happen in person, it can also take place over the phones, messages, emails etc.

It is very important to have a meaningful conversation with people even if you like them or not, as it will help you to know other person’s point of view or it will help you learn something. But the world that we live in has become more divided; this is because people are not ready to listen to each other and every conversation can turn into an argument. We need a balance between talking and listening to each other, but somewhere we have lost that balance. Research says that the reason for such a change is the smartphones we all have all the time with us. Paul Barnwell said that: “I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.”  Even a group of friends would prefer to look at their phones rather than talking to each other while hanging out and this leads to create differences amongst the people who are really close to each other without making them realize.

It is very important for people to have a conversation without getting bored, without wasting time, or without offending anybody. So, The 10 keys Celeste Headlee discussed to have a great conversation are:

1.     DON’T MULTI-TASK: Multi-tasking during a conversation does not only mean that you are checking your phone/laptop or busy with some work during the conversation but it also includes being mentally somewhere else. It is very important to be mentally present there to have a meaningful talk. If the conversation does not excite you just leave it but don’t be half in it and half out of it. Be present there mentally.

2.     DON’T PONTIFICATE: Pontificate means to tell something in a pompous/ arrogant manner. In other words, telling something in a not so humble manner.

No one likes a person who has pride in his eyes while talking or someone who preaches to other people even when not asked for. You should enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn, true listening requires setting aside of oneself and sometimes it means setting aside your personal opinion. Always assume that you have something to learn.

 

3.     USE OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS: If you want to know something in depth always avoid asking questions which are close-ended, always start the question with what, when, how, why, when. If you ask a question; you enjoyed it? The answer to this question would be yes or no, in such a way you will not be able to get to know more about the persons’ experiences, let them describe it. Always go with an open-ended question like; how was that like? How did that feel? Such questions will get you a much more interesting response.

 

4.     GO WITH THE FLOW:  When we have conversations many thoughts come to our mind and the correct way to deal with them is to let them come and let them go. Don’t get stuck with thoughts; let them flow.

 

5.     IF YOU DON’T KNOW, SAY YOU DON’T KNOW: Talks should not be cheap; you should only speak about things if you have a piece of good knowledge about it, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging when you are unaware of something.

6.     DON’T  EQUATE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH them: The most common thing we do while talking to people is, we start to tell our stories related to that very topic the other person is talking about. For example: if they are talking about losing a family member don’t start talking about the time you lost a family member; if they are talking about the problems they are having at their workplace, don’t start talking about how much you hate your job, JUST DON’T. It’s not the same, all the experiences are individual, and “it’s not about you” all the time. Because conversations are not a promotional activity.

7.     TRY NOT TO REPEAT YOURSELF:  It is boring and we tend to do it a lot while talking to our children or students or when we have a point to make we keep re-phrasing it. Don’t do that.

8.     STAY OUT OF THE WEEDS: Don’t go too much in detail with everything, people don’t care about the dates, names, or places what they care about is you, what you like, what you don’t, what you have in common. Avoid details.

 

9.     LISTEN to It the most important key to have a great conversation. Buddha said, “if your mouth is open you are not learning”. So, listen to everything they are saying. The most common problem is that people get distracted easily while talking, so try to be a good listener because when you are not paying attention you are actually not in a conversation, you both are just shouting at each other without understanding.  As people will never forget how you made them feel and if you are not paying attention to what they are saying, that is going to make them feel that they are not being valued enough, which is not healthy.

10.    Be brief: while talking, try to keep it short and simple rather than stretching your lines, remember, less is more, and try to listen more. Always be interested in other people. Because everyone is best at something, and when you are listening you will be amazed every time.

All these points are the key to great conversations stated by Celeste Headlee. I would like to add some more points to these which I read in a book named “How to make friends and influence people” it goes like this:

 

11.                       WHILE TALKING TO PEOPLE, LET US REMEMBER WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH CREATURES OF LOGIC.  WE ARE DEALING WITH CREATURES OF EMOTIONS: Don’t always find the answers to things, sometimes a person just needs somebody to talk their hearts out, not everything we talk about can be logical, it can be driven by emotions and values.

12.                      INSTEAD OF CONDEMNING PEOPLE, LET US TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY DO AND WHY THEY DO: Be understanding and try to fit yourself in other person’s shoes to understand the reason behind their words or actions.

13.                       LANGUAGE: According to me, language plays a very important role in conversations, one should always try to communicate in the language the another person is comfortable in, otherwise, people don’t feel connected to each other and the conversation does not goes a long way.